Early on in this breast cancer journey I decided my doctor appointments would be “date” days with my Love (Jesus). It was the only way I could motivate myself to get out of bed on doctor appointment days and look the best that I possibly could despite how I felt. Often I would have to get up at least three hours before an appointment to be able to shower, get dressed, put on a full face of makeup (you cannot go on a date without putting your best face forward. Lol), and get out the door. It doesn’t take me quite as long now, but doctor appointment day is still tough. Physically, I just haven’t recovered from my breast cancer world tour (surgery, chemo, radiation) yet. So, many days are hard to get out of bed at all.
Of late, doctor appointment dates with my Love have been challenging, because I have been so confused by what is actually happening. At my last visit with my oncologists he discovered a lump in my left breast (the site of the original cancer) that was not there at my last visit in April. I noticed the lump a few weeks ago and it has been increasingly painful. I wasn’t concerned, because after my MRI and ultrasound last month the powers that be seemed convinced what they were seeing was merely scar tissue. I don’t know that I was as convinced as they were, but I figured I’d go with it, because mentally I could not handle having even one more test or procedure. I was spent. That was before the lump.
Today was another doctor appointment date day for my Love and me. Today we saw my favorite of my team of doctors, my PCP, whom I am convinced is the BEST doctor on the planet! He has been my doctor for over ten years. We have gone through my stroke, my divorce, and now my breast cancer together. I trust him. He listens and doesn’t talk over me. And he is beyond thorough, leaving no stone unturned when faced with a medical issue. Still, I woke up nervous and apprehensive about the appointment.
As I pulled into the parking garage a song called, “#iWill by G. Mayes played that ignited a fire in me that I cannot explain. The song simply declares I WILL… praise…. worship… submit my life to the Lord… Suddenly, it was as if the darkness is my soul was annihilated by my singing those declarations at the top of my lungs. By the time I got out of the car I was ready to face whatever comes next. It was suddenly amazingly simple. No matter what happens on this side of life, I have my Home in view. And I WILL praise my God for loving me so much that He gave me Jesus to live out my time on this side of Heaven with.
My doctor felt the lump in my breast and said he was somewhat hopeful it may not be cancer, because it felt flat to him, not like a gulf ball. He said it could be just as they have speculated to this point that it is inflammation and scar tissue that has progressed since my last scan. I am scheduled to have another breast MRI next week.
For today, I’m not concerned. I’m still in pain. I still feel sick. But, rather in this body or outside of it I know I am HEALED. So, each day that my Love, graces me with breath in my body on this side of Heaven I WILL praise Him and get on with the business of enjoying this life for however long I am here!