I woke up this morning at 4 AM with a song called “My Side of the Bed” by LSG (Gerald Levert, Keith Sweat, Johnny Gill) playing in my head. I finally gave in and downloaded the song from 1997. At 4 AM my house is so quiet. The only noise I hear is the sound of whatever is in my mind (usually a song or a bunch of words) and cars traveling up and down the street. My bird friend doesn’t even arrive on my windowsill until after 5 AM. It is the time and perfect atmosphere to write out whatever is on my mind or heavy in my heart. I’m beginning to think maybe it isn’t chemo that is waking me up so early each day, but rather my mind and heart seeking an outlet for relief.
My family and I took an overnight road trip to Pittsburgh over the weekend. It is approximately a four hour drive from Maryland to Pittsburgh. We ran into traffic due to construction on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. So the trip took about five hours. I was just a passenger, but by the time we arrived I was exhausted and my whole body was aching. After visiting my nephew who was the reason for the trip, and going out to dinner together, we all crashed at my mom’s house. And I literally crashed on the twin sized bed in the guest room. I quickly fell asleep on the bed just big enough for just me.
Though I have been divorced for six years, and my former husband and I were separated two years before the divorce, for the last eight years when I get into my bed each night I still sleep on my side of the bed (the left side). I never noticed it before. When I returned from Pittsburgh and got into bed I noticed how I felt as if I was lying in the twin sized bed at my mom’s house. There seemed to be an invisible barrier between my side of the bed and the right side where my former husband used to sleep. I purposefully moved my pillows and myself to the middle of the bed and stretched out as much as I could to remind my bed and my body there was only one occupant in it now.
When I woke up this morning with LSG serenading me with the chorus of “My Side of the Bed,” I started thinking about my stance on marriage, dating, and relationships. Once you are divorced for a while people begin to ask when are you going to start dating and/or do you want to get married again. My response has never wavered. The idea of dating, being married again, or dealing with all that comes with being in a relationship really creeps me out. Most people believe I am speaking from a place of bitterness or resentment toward my former husbands. But, that really isn’t the issue at all. While I did experience some hefty bumps and bruises in both of my marriages, I am thankful for those experiences. I’m not bitter or angry. And I still believe with my whole heart marriage, done God’s way, is the BEST example of how He loves us.
My issue with dating, being married again, and relationships is me. I texted my closest friend yesterday and told her that even if I didn’t feel how I feel right now I honestly don’t know if there is a man that I would ever be able trust with my whole self. I think I have had this distrust or leeriness when it comes to men almost my entire life. I don’t believe it is only because of being molested so early in my childhood. I’m sure that’s a large part of it. But, I saw some crazy things in my parents marriage. My dad was one of the most loving, kind, funny, and generous men I knew. That is who I knew him to be as a dad. However, as a husband, he looked very different to me as did many of the men in my family. That helped me learn men were ok until you marry them. After that you better have your guard up at all times to protect yourself from imminent heartbreak. I mastered that skill and was still heartbroken in the end.
So, my trust issue doesn’t have anything to do with my former husbands. I went into those relationships not trusting them with my whole self. So they were already set up to fail. Anything that happened just confirmed that there is no man that I can trust with my whole self. My whole self being, the most intimate part of me. That part of me that only Jesus knows. The part of me that sees what other people don’t see, hears what other people don’t hear, and understands what other people don’t understand. The part of me that would be content to spend the rest of my life just praying for people, giving people hugs, and making people laugh out loud. The part of me that would rather cuddle up with someone I love and do nothing than dress up and go somewhere “fabulous.” The part of me that thinks stars can only be found in the sky and Jesus is the only “celebrity” worthy of all the praise we give people who are just really good at whatever it is they do. The part of me that looks at the world we live in with all of its craziness and still sees the beautiful, visual masterpiece God created, with its array of colors of people, the beauty of nature, and variety of animals… the part of me that makes me, me.
Between the stroke and cancer I have discovered life, with all of its complexities, is pretty simple and basic for me. My default facial expression is a smile. I would rather laugh or cry with you about our similarities instead of argue and debate about our differences so I try discover what those things are with whoever I meet. If I could wrap my arms around the whole world and give it a the biggest, warmest, most loving hug I would (I know it sounds kinda Miss America-speech-cheesy, but I really feel that way 😄). In many ways I am still discovering who “me” is. Most days I feel like an alien or an outsider looking into a really crazy place.
For today, I don’t see myself dating anytime soon. Just working on sleeping in my whole bed and pressing on to the other side of breast cancer is enough for now. But, I guess I will allow Jesus to help me tackle this trust issue so I don’t become one of those women who says, “I don’t need a man. All I need is Jesus.” While that is true, many women say that because they have given up hope that the right man they can trust with their whole selves will find them. When you say, “All I need is Jesus” in that way it is not making a bold profession of faith. It is making Jesus the consolation prize instead of having the man you really want. For me, Jesus is THE Prize so it goes without saying. Should I decide I want to be married again someday, having the right man find me would just be an extension of the gift Jesus already is to me all by Himself.