Before breast cancer my favorite color was shades of blue. I still like my blues, but I have fallen in love with pink! This month being breast cancer awareness month, I have enjoyed seeing shades of pink everywhere. At times it is almost surreal for me when I walk into a store and see a breast cancer awareness display and realize I am counted among the sisterhood of women battling the disease.
Last weekend I went to a luncheon a fellow warrior and friend held at her home for breast cancer warriors, supporters, family members and friends. My daughters, sisters, and mother went with me. It was an amazing time! I was the only one in attendance that is currently in treatment. It was so encouraging to talk to and see all of the beautiful women LIVING beyond where I am right now. As encouraging as it was it was also a bit overwhelming for me. When I got home that evening I found myself wondering what’s next?
As I lay in bed that night I wondered what my life will look like on the other side of breast cancer. On the other side of this I still have an entire life to rebuild. I’m not who I was before I had a stroke in 2011. I’m definitely not who I was before I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January. I have yet to discover what it is I am skilled at now that my right brain is more dominant than my left. I am still adjusting to being a mom to three adult daughters and not three little girls. And although after being divorced for six years I have finally mastered sleeping in my entire bed, I still haven’t mastered being single. All of these thoughts swirling in my mind brought me to tears.
Just as He always does Jesus mopped up my tears by saying, “I have given you a tremendous gift. I have redeemed the time you thought you lost. This is the clean slate day you have longed for. Your brand new beginning. Do not look at what is no more as something that has been lost or taken from you. See it for what it is. You are not meant to remain stationary. You have transitioned beyond what was to what is and shall continue on to what will be. I have a good plan for you. One that exceeds your greatest expectations. You need only trust Me. I know you don’t always understand or necessarily like my methods, but you can always trust My motives.” With that, I was at peace.
I started radiation on October 2nd. My kickoff to radiation was making it to my date with Bruno Mars on September 30th! The morning of the concert I had no words for how I felt. It had been eight long months, a week after I was diagnosed, since I purchased the tickets. I remember telling Jesus I had to be here and well on September 30th, because I had a date with Bruno Mars that I HAD to keep! He promised I would be. For eight months when I got upset I listened to my Bruno Mars Playlist and danced in my bedroom. During chemo I took the nausea medicine and forced myself to eat rather I was hungry or not, because I didn’t want to lose too much weight. I wanted to look healthy for my date. Every day that I could I went walking, my mom and I did Aqua Zumba twice a week. I wanted to be strong enough to dance all night on my date. After my final chemo on September 7th I felt so sick I was in bed for 10 days, but Jesus kept His promise. I was here and well enough to make it to my date. Not only did I make it, but I danced all night! For everyone else it was just a concert. For me, it was so much more. It was a night I will never forget!
As of today I have completed 13 of the 35 radiation treatments I have to do. I’m still adjusting to having to go every day, Monday through Friday. The treatments are quick and painless, but draining and my breast has become super sensitive and sore. For today, I’m holding on to Jesus as tightly as I can trusting that He really does have a plan for me, looking forward to the adventure!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV