Journeying to the Other Side of Breast Cancer: Traveling Through Time

I am convinced I am one of the world’s greatest time travelers. On any given day my mind travels anywhere from 10, 20, or sometimes 30 years into the past or I venture off into my mind’s version of a day, week, month, or years that lie ahead. My travels through time are mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausting. Most days, I am barely awake in the morning and my feet have just hit the floor when my mind revs up the time machine and off we go!

Revisiting my past almost always leaves me with a feeling of mourning. I mourn the little girl who was molested for a number of years, beginning at age 5. I hurt that the opportunity to grow into her body and discover sexuality naturally was stolen from her. I want to go back and tell the 18 year old teenage mom that she doesn’t have to marry the boy she fornicated with to try to cancel out the sin. Jesus already died for every sin she would ever commit and He still loves her the same. I want to talk to the 21 year old wife and mother of three little girls who feels like she is “less than” in every way and tell her what a great job she is doing. I want to hug and never let go of the 35 year old woman who is in the midst of her second failing marriage, trying to process her father’s death, wondering why he couldn’t have been different so her parents’ marriage, eventual divorce, and her childhood wouldn’t have been so dysfunctional. I want to tell the 40 year old woman who suffered a stroke two months after her 40th birthday, who was never able to return to her job and whose husband divorced her nine months after the stroke, to embrace the new life she was given, because the person she was before the stroke died.

On a good day I can return from my journey into the past reminding myself what Jesus has told me repeatedly, “Take the lessons. Leave the luggage!” I don’t get angry anymore. I don’t cry anymore. It was what it was. And on a really good day I can see how God has used the events of my past to mold, shape, and create who I am now. However, because my mind is the vehicle through which I travel, the only fuel I have available to help transport me into the future is the memories of my past. That being the case, when I arrive in the future the circumstances, relationships, hardships almost mirror my past. In my mind’s version of my future, although I am different, everything around me is not. I am still surrounded by lack, dysfunction, illness, broken relationships…

Lately, most of my time travel excursions have been into the future. I have had long discussions with Jesus reminding Him frequently that when I am finished with all of my cancer treatments and recovery I still have an entire life to rebuild! I’m still discovering who I am, what I am passionate about, and what marketable skills I have now. So, when I travel into the future looking for a new career all I see is an almost 50 year old woman surrounded by people who are younger, smarter, healthier, with their left brain fully in tact. On my lonely days I think about what kind of man I could see myself with, but that quickly spirals into my future self reminding me of my previous failed marriages. Rarely do I actually remain in this moment – my NOW.

Yesterday, just as my mind was fueling up for take off into the future Jesus said, “When you look into a future moment and project into it what is or has been that you perceive as negative in your life you negate My Word, which says all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). How can more of the same be good? Repeating the same lessons over and over again is only good if the purpose of the lesson was not learned the first time. I am not a remedial God. My desire is you take from each experience that which is needed, leave the rest, and move forward. What you call “future” I call “history.” What you call “destiny” I call “predestined.” The only moment we share at the same time is now. It is for this reason I have said worry not about tomorrow for each day has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34). All you have is NOW!”

Jesus’ words helped me see how traveling between the pain of my past and the uncertainty of my future has eclipsed the beauty, joy, and tremendous gift of now. Now is the moment I am learning, growing and maturing in my relationship with Jesus. Now is the moment I am spending time with my grand babies that I was unable to spend with my own children when they were their ages. Now is the moment I am seeing that broken, abused, messed up teenager I once was, by God’s grace, raised three little girls to be the most loving, kind, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful young women I know. Now is the moment I have been given a blank canvas upon which I can create a beautiful tapestry that honors, glorifies, and magnifies Jesus. I just have to park my time machine, steady my feet, and begin to create one breath, one step, one moment, one day at a time.

For today, I will keep Jesus’ words hidden in my heart. On the days my mind tries to fuel up the time machine and delve into the past I will remind myself that I learned my lessons well. There’s no need for repeats. Everything left behind is luggage I need not carry. If the future is the destination of the day I will empty my time machine’s fuel tank with, “But as it is written: Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him (I Corinthians 2:9 NKJV).”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s