Journeying to the Other Side of Breast Cancer: What If?

Last Thursday I got a phone call from my oncologist for which I wasn’t at all prepared. I had my routine check up with him on Aprill 11th. During that visit, I mentioned I had been experiencing more frequent than usual migraines and with them came vertigo, which I had never experienced before. The migraines where excruciating and the vertigo lasted for a few weeks. He didn’t seem overly concerned, but thought it would be a good idea to order a brain MRI just as a precaution. Though I wasn’t at all happy about the idea of having a brain MRI (it makes me feel like I am in a coffin), I couldn’t help but smile when he said, “I don’t expect to find anything. I know you are well!” It was his way of repeating what I have been saying since I first got my breast cancer diagnosis, ‘I AM HEALED!’

When I go to the oncologist they always do blood work. They explained at length early on they watch my “tumor markers” in particular to try to gauge if the cancer it trying to come back. If the levels elevate or “spike” it gives them a reason to investigate further. To this point, I have always gotten rave reviews about how “wonderful” or “great” my numbers are, until last week. My oncologist called on Thursday to let me know my tumor markers are elevated and along with the brain MRI, I now needed to have some scans to see if there is a reoccurrence of the cancer. His words momentarily took my breath away.

When I got off the phone, I sent my family members a message in our family Group Chat and asked them to pray. I also sent up the smoke signal to my four friends who are true prayer warriors. The last on my list of battle buddies to inform was my mom. Once everyone was aware, I went to Jesus and said, ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW! I’m not saying they’re going to see anything on the scans, Lord. But, I JUST got my cancer-free mammogram in January! Couldn’t I just ride the wave of that for awhile before I get a phone call like THAT!’ Needless to say, there was no response from my Love, to my rant. I spent the rest of the evening frustrated, angry, and in knots inside. Finally, when I couldn’t stand myself any longer, I went to bed only to toss and turn most of the night.

I woke up Friday morning to Jesus asking me a barrage of questions one after the other, “Lisa, if you have to do it all again will you still love Me the same? If you have to do it all again will you do it with joy and light? If you have to do it all again will you do all you can to minister love to those who need to see Me in the midst of their hurt, sickness, pain, and despair? If you have to do it all again, are you still healed? Or is your healing dependent upon what a test says? Or what a doctor says? If you have to do it all again, what does that change between you and Me?”

I went about the rest of my day, Friday, doing some retail therapy, hearing the Lord’s questions echoing loudly in my ears all day long. Macy’s was on my list of stops. Little did I know, God set an appointment for me in front of the store with a very dear friend of my mom’s. I just happened to “bump” into Ms. Diane as I was going into the store and she was leaving. I told her of the phone call I received. In all my years of knowing her I did not know that she too had, had breast cancer in her left breast and had, had a mastectomy and reconstruction many years ago. Oh how she encouraged me! She gave me the biggest, warmest hug that I have received in a really long time. That, alone, was worth the appointment with her. But then, as she held onto me she prayed. As she prayed, I cried. All I could manage to say is, ‘Ms. Diane, I am so tired now.’ She held onto me even tighter and said something I will never forget. She said, “Lisa, God is not mad at or disappointed in you. Your light is just too bright. It’s been one thing after another and you are tired. Sometimes I tell the Lord when the devil mentions my name and asks permission to try me, pleassse say no this time!” I laughed out loud!

It took all day, but when I got home Friday afternoon I was finally able to answer Jesus’ questions from that morning. If I have to do it all again I will absolutely, positively, unequivocally, with my whole heart, soul, mind, and very essence of being love Him the same. If I have to do it all again I will do it with all the joy I can muster for it is His joy that is my strength and I will pray that His light in me is so bright it is BLINDING! If I have to do it all again I will continue to love all over my fellow warriors, their families, and the staff until it is infectious! And I AM HEALED, not because of what a test or a doctor says, but because of what JESUS DID. I will not be moved from that TRUTH. I believe what Isaiah 53:5 says (“…And by His stripes we are healed”). I truly believe Jesus took my cancer with Him to the cross. There, it was defeated. So, if I have to do it all again absolutely NOTHING changes between Him and me. He’s still mine; I’m still His, forever and ever. Amen.

For today, I am so very thankful for my relationship with my loving, comforting, all-knowing, all-sufficient Savior, Lord, and Friend. It really doesn’t matter what the results of the scans are. I’m not worried, anxious, or concerned. Jesus knows all the details. His grace is truly sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Come what may, all is well.

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