In my April 26, 2018 blog post titled: What if? I explained that I got a call from my oncologist in which he advised me one of my tumor markers were elevated. That phone call set in motion the “test & see” hamster wheel that any fellow warriors who happen to read this post are very familiar with. On that day (April 26th), I had a CT scan of my chest & abdominal cavity, as well as a brain MRI, because I had been experiencing severe migraines and vertigo. Both scans came back clear, with no evidence of any formed tumors (thank God!). Still, of late, I have been experiencing severe pain in my left breast, which has extended to include my right breast.
After talking at length with my oncologist about how I’ve been feeling (it was more like a total emotional break down in his office), he softly explained that a CT scan cannot detect cancer “cells.” It only picks up tumors once they are formed, which requires MILLIONS of cancer cells gathered together. He went on to say he ordered the CT scan, not expecting to see anything in my breasts, but to rule out a tumor in my lungs, because the tumor marker that is elevated (there are 3) is the one you would expect to see elevated in patients who have or have had lung cancer or are smokers. None of those things apply to me. He told me all of my other blood work looked excellent! As a measure of extra precaution, based on how I feel, he ordered an MRI of both of my breasts. He said the MRI may come back clear as well, but it is our best chance of picking up anything that may be the root cause of the pain and overall sickness (nausea, loss of appetite, no energy, insomnia…) I have been experiencing.
I pondered my oncologist’s words for over a week before I was able to actually schedule the MRI. He’d said it would detect anything that may be the root cause of how I’ve been feeling. What if the “anything” is the cancer trying to reoccur? From the day of my initial diagnosis on January 9, 2017, I have said I am HEALED. Knowing and standing on that TRUTH got me through the lumpectomy on January 30, 2017, the six months of chemo and seven weeks of radiation that ultimately followed. I fought with all I had in me from January 9th to November 20th (the date of my last radiation treatment), knowing I am HEALED. I began this New Year, 2018, with what I believed to be confirmation of what I spoke all throughout 2017, I AM HEALED. On January 5th I had my first mammogram since my diagnosis. The results declared I was cancer-free! I finally had a piece of paper in my hand with words written in black and white that were in agreement with what I DECLARED from the beginning!
Now, according to what my BODY is saying, coupled with a clearer understanding of the nature and personality of cancer, I had to actually entertain the possibility that my journey toward total, complete healing may not be as close to finished as I hoped. I have never considered myself to be in “remission.” For me, I’m either healed or I’m not. Declaring myself to be in “remission,” would leave a door open in my mind that MUST remain closed in order for me to live any kind of life worth living. “Remission” leaves open the possibility of traveling back down the long road I have already conquered. My God doesn’t do anything halfway. He does EVERYTHING to completion. I do not say that denying the possibility that the breast cancer may be trying to reoccur. I say that FULLY aware of the possibility, KNOWING even if it tries to resurface it is already defeated, because I AM HEALED.
On Thursday, May 17th I had the MRI of both of my breasts. Because my left breast is already painfully sensitive, the MRI felt like an all out assault on my already “wounded warrior.” On Friday I woke up still in pain and just overall not feeling well. Much to my disappointment, I was feeling so badly that I wasn’t able to attend the surprise family dinner where one of our Princesses became engaged to her Prince Charming. This morning I woke up still in pain, frustrated, and just not in a “chipper” mood.
As I talked to my Love (Jesus) about how I was feeling, I told Him at this point I don’t care if the cancer if trying to reoccur or not. If I know nothing else I can handle cancer, because I KNOW I am healed. I just have to walk out God’s preordained process toward my TOTAL, COMPLETE healing. I’m ONLY concerned about my quality of life! I am sick, of being sick! My Love’s response to my rant (the words in the image I created below) had me dancing around my bedroom singing.
For today, I am a firm believer that when Jesus speaks, His words are far-reaching, and intended to be heard by all who need to hear them. I shared what He said to me, praying His words reach every person, every heart, that needs to hear them!
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9 NIV).”; “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you (Psalm 84:11-12 NIV).”